Love is a Many-Splendored Things - Frank Sinatra

Warning: Not for those allergic to mushy-stuff

Carneyz: Can u do something on love relationship? What does it take to respect each other? How izit we can say that the partners understand each other? I need to know coz I'm a stranger to love.

Though I won't pretend to be an expert on this subject, I'm taking this opportunity to just share what I've been priviliged to experience... in my own personal 7-year-ongoing journey 'in love'.

When I was a little girl, I had visions of what my 'man' would be like. Like all little girls, I yearned for a knight in shining armour - a valiant protector & a romantic lover. Snow White had one, so did Sleeping Beauty. The Prince Charming of all little girls' dreams... I pictured him to be tall, dark and handsome. A man who'd sweep me off my feet with delicate whisperings of poetry and charming gestures of gentlemanly love.

Now, years later, my only response in retrospect is "YUCK! What the heck was I thinking??" I cannot IMAGINE being in love with such a sap! Recite delicate poetry in my ear and I'll probably respond with an indelicate snore...

Instead, I fell for the charms of a true 'valiant protector & romantic lover' (sans shining armour). He's so unlike what I envisioned my life partner would be... but in essence, he's much better than I could've ever imagined I'd deserve. A man I can rely on to be fully supportive of me, to make me smile even when I'm in my lowest pit of gloominess, to protect me and shield me from the evils of the universe. A man I can picture being the father of my children.

Definitely a better deal than my childish fantasies of a poetry-reciting wuss...

Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling.
If we could decide who we loved, it would be simpler, but much less magical.
Trey Parker & Matt Stone; South Park, Chef Aid, 1998

He is my first love. The one and only man I've allowed to see the 'real me'. For a self-proclaimed 'independent woman', such vulnerability is very scary. When you love someone, you give him your heart. He then has the sole privilege to love you.... and the sole power to crush you.

This is very scary indeed. For someone who always like being in control of her emotions, this is very VERY scary. For a while, I was very guarded. Didn't want to get too close... just in case. Didn't want to bare my soul... just in case. Didn't want him to think that I loved him as much as I did... just in case.

A friend of mine once advised me that 'It's best to find a man who loves you more than you love him'. But quite simply, this wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me and it certainly wasn't fair to him. I slowly gained enough confidence and security to be true to myself - and take the chance to love him whole-heartedly. To throw caution to the wind and show him how I sincerely felt. And that truly was the smartest thing I've ever done.

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return... to just give.
That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
Madonna, O Magazine January 2004.

What does it take to respect each other? How do we understand each other? Simply by being each other's best friend. Accept him for who he is - don't attempt to change him to be who he's not. If he's not the type who'd dance the night way at the hottest club, don't force him to make a fool of himself. If he's not the scholarly sort, don't engage him in a discussion on Shakespeare's Greatest Tragedies. If you feel like there are some things that he needs to change (like his lack of ambition or his penchant for neon cowboy-hats), don't take it upon yourself to order him about... The only role you should play is to support him in his own quest for that change.

Respect his decision, his opinions and his principles. You don't have to agree with them, but respect them. And don't expect him to agree with you all the time too -- Just because he fell in love with you doesn't mean he gave away his brain.

The simple formula is to treat him the way you want him to treat you. If you have your own idealistic ambition - you'd want him to support you in your endeavours, so do the same for him. If you hate the idea of him having cozy one-on-one chats with members of the opposite sex - you should restrain yourself from doing the same. If you want him to understand that sometimes you get moody and suffer from grumpiness - you must tolerate him when he has his own bout of moodiness. If you hate being nagged - don't nag.

I could go on and on... but you get the point, I'm sure. Understanding each other doesn't mean agreeing with everything each other has to say.

In a relationship, contrary to Shania Twain songs and the like, you don't become ONE. You're TWO separate individuals functioning in One Relationship. He may be your soulmate, your lover and your best friend.... But he's still a person and needs to be respected as one. Just like you deserve to be.

Just because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, doesn't give you the sole proprietary right to his life. There should be no shackles or chains in a relationship (am not talking about sadomasochism here, ya... that's entirely your own personal preference.... haha). Just don't smother each other with over-protectiveness and pointless interrogations (where are you? who are you with? what are you doing? why didn't you call me? do you love me? are you sure you love me? why do you love me? etc...)

Don't kill yourself with unnecessary suspicions and doubts. Trust him the way you want to be trusted.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
Trust men and they will be true to you... Treat them greatly and they will show their greatness.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) Essays, First Series: Prudence 1841

Being in love is definitely not a free ride. If you treasure the relationship, you have to acknowledge that it's something you have to constantly work at - and it's definitely worth the effort. It's a test of patience, that's for sure... especially when you have your disagreements. Your passion ignites full-blown fights and then you feel like it's just not worth it and you want to give it up. You feel like you're in the right and you're being wronged. You entertain arrogant thoughts like "Heck. I don't need this. I can survive on my own."

This is when it's most crucial for you to take a step back and analyze.....

What do you love more?
Yourself (your pride and your ego included) or Your Relationship.
For example, if you're a hard-headed, opinionated know-it-all --- can you, once in awhile, shut up and let him win the argument? Or if you're the type who always likes things YOUR way --- can you, once in awhile, compromise and do things HIS way without complaining? Like, can you forgo your shopping trip and spend 3 hours watching football? Can you skip dinner at Dome's for a plate of roti canai at the mamak stall? Can you quit being a social flirt and treat him with the respect he deserves?

Don't think about it as sacrificing a part of yourself....... Think about it as the birth of a New You. A more tolerant, patient, understanding, new and improved, BETTER you. When you're in love, you get the opportunity to be a better person.

It's not corny.... it's true.
It's not easy..... but it's worth it.

For a human being to love another... that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks. The ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

But the good thing is, the fruits of this labour is to be savoured for eternity...