Just Desserts

Kiasu is a Hokkien (a Chinese spoken variant) word for 'extreme fear of losing'. Such an attitude is often highly competitive, and its emphasis is to be above all other people, even if it means putting other people down.

Kiasu may be a Hokkien word, but it’s application is multi-racial. Yesterday, I met a whole bunch of kiasu Malays. Allow me to tell you the story...

Sunday is a day where the whole family gathers for a ‘Family Lunch’. Usually, my parents would cook but sometimes, we got out for a meal. As all of us are pretty much busy with our own schedules during the week, Sundays are, customarily, the day where we touch base and refresh our ‘family ties’. We look forward to it.

This Sunday, we went to Cozy House in Great Eastern Mall. Had a scrumptious meal of ginger beef, fried kalian, pandan chicken, mixed vege, tofu and mushrooms in soy sauce and ikan masak pedas. After such a heavy meal, we went window shopping (ok, Baba actually bought stuff, the rest of us just looked). And after our meal had settled, we decided to get dessert at the Haagen Daaz ice-cream parlour.

The place was packed, a lot of people had the same idea – to savor ice-cream on a hot Sunday afternoon. We found a nice little table outside on the verandah and proceeded to order the Haagen Daaz fondue. (I’d recommend this to small groups... A luscious affair of small scoops of ice-cream, fresh fruits, cookies, brownies and wafers, all on a platter. In the middle of the platter, with a small candle burning, there’s a fondue pot half-filled with hot fudge sauce and half-filled with crushed almonds. You’re each given a long steel fork and you just poke whatever you want, dip it in fudge and coat it with nuts... yummmm... I especially loved the peaches!)

While we were waiting for our order, a family of 12 came to sit near us, lets call them the ‘Kiasu Clan’. They joined 2 little tables together and proceeded to order. We didn’t really notice them then, we were much to engrossed in our own conversation.

Baba always gets restless in restaurants. He tends to get fidgety and would often get up and walk-around the place (much to the chagrin of the waiters, he sometimes sneaked a peak into the kitchen to see if it was ‘up-to-standard’). Anyway, he got up and went inside the restaurant, checking out the many flavors of ice-cream on display.

A couple of minutes later, Baba opened the door to the verandah and announced to us that there was an available booth inside the restaurant. We wondered aloud whether all 7 of us would fit in the booth and decided we might as well give it a try.

Suddenly, we noticed a blur of yellow squeeze hurriedly pass Baba. It was one of the women from the Kiasu Clan. She made a mad dash for the available booth and made hasty gestures to the rest of her clan to join her. What shocked us all was the look on her face. A mixture of spite and smugness. She actually threw us a look, one of defiance, like “Hah! What can you do about it, you pathetic losers”.

To our amazement (and amusement!) the entire Kiasu Clan started a stampede to get to the booth. They barraged through the door, practically shoving my poor father aside in the rush.

Baba sat down with the funniest expression on his face. He looked puzzled. When he recovered, he then had a wicked little gleam in his eyes when he said “Hmm... let’s see if that bunch of fatsos can fit into the booth”.

So we surreptitiously looked and what we saw amused us terribly.

Of course, the Kiasu Clan, all 12 of them, could not fit in the booth. I mean, even the 7 of us were apprehensive about being able to do so. They stood around the booth, casting furtive glances at their previous table next to us. They stole fleeting looks at us too, trying to act nonchalant while their lips were busy muttering God-knows-what.

“Takkan dia nak pergi balik kat meja dia… Mesti dia malu siotttt...” said my very eloquent brother.

Mama gave a naughty little giggle and said “Heheheh... let’s see what they’ll do now.”

The Kiasu Clan proceeded to try and squash themselves into the booth. After much shoving, jostling and the holding of breath, they gave up. They stood up to check out their old table again, and were chagrined to see that it was now occupied by another family.

By that time, we were enjoying the show while relishing the cool taste of our ice-cream. As the Kiasu Clan stood there, looking out-of-place and ill at ease, we just smiled sweetly at them whenever they caught our eyes.

Eventually, God had mercy for them and a small table became free. So they split up, half of them sat in the Revered Booth while the other half sat at the table. We lost interest in them and continued having a good time.

After we finished, we proceeded to walk into the restaurant to get back into the mall. To our utter amazement, yellow-shirted Kiasu Clan member suddenly picked up her mobile phone, turned her face upwards to us and started hollering at the top of her voice “HELLO?? HELLO TAN SRI? YA, TAN SRI... YA YA, SAYA ADA DENGAN DATIN NI!” Again, she had the most ridiculous look on her face. That funny mixture of spite and smugness.

We filed out of the restaurant in complete amazement. Wow... ada jugak manusia macam ni...

I suppose she felt vindicated and justified in her behavior. I don’t know.

Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
Laurens Van der Post, The Lost World of the Kalahari (1958)

I hope to meet them again, the Kiasu Clan. Or at least, they should have another rendezvous with my Baba. I’m sure he’d be glad to help widen their Datuk contacts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)