A Different Pond of Fish

A few days ago, I was invited as a delegate at the In-House Congress KL 2006. Was my first time at a gathering of in-house lawyers and it was quite an eye-opener.

During the time I was a practicing lawyer, I attended a lot of similar events. Congress, conventions, conferences etc. And though it was all quite enjoyable, it was worlds apart from my new experience at the congregation of non-practicing, in-house lawyers.

The elements were basically the same.
Posh hotel, superb feast, eager-to-please organizers, spiffily-dressed delegates, brilliant guest speakers etc.
But it was different.

How do I illustrate the difference?
Well, one was like a huge pond filled with a lot of sharks, all with the same interests and the same determined-obsession, swimming along with one eye on the competition and the other on potential prey- sorry, I mean clients.
The other was like a huge pond filled with a lot of different types of fishes, just swimming around and getting along with one another as each already have their own interests taken care of.

Both have their pros and cons.
To be honest, I enjoyed both equally.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost (1874 - 1963), The Road Not Taken

I’m not much of a sociable person.
I like people, I do. Well, most people lah. You know, the non-annoying ones. But though I am interested in people, I’m not the type of person who seeks out parties and thrive in a crowd. That’s my husband. He’s the gregarious one. He’s the people-person. I’m the more introverted one.

I know some of my friends are now spouting out coffee from their noses and spluttering “Diha? Introvert? Merepek lah pompuan ni!”
But they don’t count.
I’m different with my friends, the ones I’m comfortable with. When I’m with THEM, okaylah, I’m equally gregarious. But that’s different. Those are FRIENDS... I’m talking about strangers. I’m not very good with strangers.

So, the modern necessity of networking is quite a chore for me.

But after so many years of practice, I think I’ve improved somewhat. I no longer just nurse a cup of coffee while silently observing people at these assemblies.
I have learned the art of fixing a pleasant smile on my face that breaks into a sincere grin upon introduction to a person, putting out my hand in a firm but friendly handshake and fluidly producing a business card when the time is right.

But I still do observe people while I do all this.

These are some of the many creatures that are found in such professional-based assemblies.

Mr. Setahun-Tak-Makan (Mr. STM)
The meals at these events are usually a lavish spread of sumptuous food. There are snacks at every break consisting of tasty finger-foods and scrumptious cakes and for meals like lunch or dinner; it’s usually a 5-course feast of excellent cuisine.
Mr. STM is a connoisseur of congress-food. He slips out of the congress rooms 10 minutes before the end of the talk to be first in line at the buffet table. He builds Mount Kinabalu-like mounds of food on his plate. If there’s an exceptionally good item (e.g. lobster rolls, salmon pate, calamari or prawn tempura), he gets an extra plate to pile on heaps of it for his own culinary indulgence. He surreptitiously pockets mini-pastries and cream cakes wrapped in napkins. At mealtime, he picks the table with the least number of people or the least number of men, to ensure that there’s a chance of him getting extra helpings of each course. Mr. STM only comes to such assemblies for the food.
Mr. STM at the congress was a big fan of cream puffs. I know this is so mean of me but I kept an eye on him during the tea-break and counted him consuming 13 cream-puffs and pocketing at least 6. I know, I know, Diha macam takder keje lain.


Ms. Freebie Fetish (Ms. FF)
At conferences and congresses, there are usually booths of each organizer. Each booth would give out pamphlets, brochures and other items as a form of marketing and publicity. Some also give out special items like paper-bags filled with the company’s goods like mugs, pens and notebooks. Some also give extra-special items like a tiny box of chocolate pralines, an engraved business card-holder or a funky penskin.
Ms. FF has an unhealthy obsession for these items, coupled with a severe case of kiasu’ism.
I met Ms. FF at the congress. Both her hands were straining under the weight of so many paper bags of freebies. We thought she had taken them for her colleagues, but she brazenly revealed that it was for her family and boyfriend.
While she was talking to me and a few others, her eyes kept darting to all the booths aligning the corridors. Suddenly, she interrupted our conversation with a very sudden “Eh, you all know or not what the Hughes-Castell booth is giving out?” When we all responded by shaking our heads, she gave us a look of disbelief and blurted “You all haven’t gone there yet ah??” A gentleman then responded “Actually, if I’m not mistaken, they’re giving out compasses”.
Ms. FF abruptly left our company and made a beeline for the booth. The FF family is one family whose members will always know which way points North.

Mr. Business-Card-Collector (Mr. BCC)
I don’t know why, but I really don’t like people who immediately ask for my business card upon introduction. And I’m also not too fond of people who thrust out their business card to me and then immediately disappear to do the same to others. I don’t think its proper etiquette. It’s best to engage in a proper conversation first and THEN exchange business cards. A rectangle piece of cardboard should not be a replacement for well-mannered introductions. Honestly, 2 weeks from now, I will not be able to remember you by just looking at your card. But if I had a proper conversation with you, I would.
Mr. BCC collects business cards like a kid collects stamps. He barely listens to you introducing yourself as he fumbles in his pocket for his business card and offers his hand for yours. He goes around the room giving a perfunctory “Hello” to people and do his whole business-card-barter routine.
I saw Mr. BCC at the hotel lobby after the congress and he was methodically arranging a substantial pile of business cards into a business-card holder. Amazing.


Ms. Ponteng-Kerja (Ms. PK)
Some people go to congress and conventions to get out of the office. Ms. PK will come in and register, get her name tag and her paper-bag of congress materials and then she’ll promptly leave. More often than not, to go shopping. Or catch a movie. Or go home and sleep. Some come back at the end of the day to make sure that there are no details that she has missed (e.g. hotel burnt down… would be difficult to explain to the boss how you ‘completely enjoyed the congress’ when all other delegates are being treated for smoke inhalation).
I met a friend of mine at the congress. She is a veteran Ms. PK. She came, she registered, she left and she went to watch X-Men III. At 17:30, she called me to ask whether there was anything she needed to know in order to give a convincing report to her boss the next day. Cis!

Mr. Banyak-Soal (Mr. BS)
The guest speakers at congress and conventions are often esteemed professionals in their field. The talks are habitually peppered with brilliant grafts and comprehensive slide-shows. And at the end of the talk, they will always have the requisite Q&A session. And this is where Mr. BS thrives.
He is often a man with a booming, solemn voice and he will gravely introduce himself with an introduction to rival that of the guest speakers. Then he will tediously voice out his opinion of the talk, offer ‘constructive criticism’ of the slide-show, bestow a patronizing compliment upon ‘the good effort made by the speakers’ and finally, he’ll come to his questions. Yes, questions... plural.
The worst thing about Mr. BS is that his questions are mostly B.S. And it pains me to see the speakers patiently listen to him and attempt to answer the questions with as much graciousness as they can muster.
And it really really REALLY pains me to see Mr. BS acknowledge the answer by slowly shaking his head and leisurely get up from his seat, walk back to the microphone and ‘disagree with the answer’ while giving his own. Mr. BS just uses the forum to flaunt his own ‘expertise’ and display subtle disdain towards the guest speakers. Honestly, ALL Mr. BS’s should be assembled and given their own congress with their own opportunity to talk. Would be lovely to see the Q&A session of THAT forum.

But back to the In-House Congress thingy I went to. I had a good time. It was informative and entertaining. An Infotainment, if you like. And despite being a self-proclaimed introvert, it was nice to be sociable and meet new people.

Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

It was also nice to congregate among lawyers who were not hungry for new clients nor antsy at the billable hours spent wasted at a forum. And it was a nice change to be one of the ‘potential clients’ being schmoozed and flattered by the few practicing lawyers around.

So THAT’S how it feels like to be on the other end of the spectrum.
I can get used to that.

Baloney is the lie laid on so thick you hate it. Blarney is flattery laid on so thin you love it.
Fulton J. Sheen