Vent & Rant: Office Pests

I'm usually not very aware of my surroundings.
A tree can fall but if it doesn't fall ON me, I may not notice it.

But I've come to realize that there are some pests in the office that I just can't seem to ignore; even though I try. And therefore, for the sake of my sanity, I am going to vent and rant here. Hopefully, it'll be theraupatic enough to prevent me from committing murder in the office. Astro does not need more bad press...

The Cavewoman

You are not a member of my department. I do not understand why they placed you so near to me. Do they hate me? Is that why?

I have not been introduced to you, I have not had a single conversation with you and yet, I know every single miniscule detail of your personal life.
Why?
Because you use a crass, piercing voice that no civilized human being would ever use... and you make repeated personal calls every single hour and have no qualms about airing your tedious domestic dramas to everyone within your vicinity.

Listen, I do NOT need to know about your daughter and how she is dying from the disease called 'school'. I have not met the poor girl but from your side of the conversation, I've formed the opinion that she is a whining, irritating, spoilt little brat who cries at the drop of a hat. Even if the teacher so much as sneezes her way, she calls you to whine about it. And I don't even understand why she does that because you always say the same thing.

"Aiyooo girl, stop that. You either cry or talk. If you want to cry, don't waste my time, you cry first then you call me back. If you want to talk, then talk. Okay girl? Are you listening ah girl?"

The brat might as well just get a tape recording of that and play it back the next time her teacher commits another injustice.

The Humming-Bird

Sometimes, we like to go early to work to get some serious work done before the hustle and bustle of office life begins. But you are a permanent early-bird. You're always THERE no matter how early we come in (Do you even go home, I wonder...)

But you being early does not offend us.
You being early and HUMMING, offends us.
You being early and humming OFF-KEY offends us more.
You being early and humming off-key LOUDLY offends us to the brink of insanity.

Do you not notice that when you hum, we turn our tv's on really loud?
Are you not aware of the fact that when you hum, we all eventually end up going down to the cafe for breakfast instead of doing the work that we intended to do?

This woman's humming habit is so terrible, that most of the early-birds have joined the night-owls instead.

The-Woman-Who-Can-Make-A-Side-Income-By-Perching-On-Top-Of-An-Ambulance-And-Making-Enough-Noise-To-Clear-Traffic

You.Are.Loud.

The people who sit around you all reach for their headphones the second you start one of your incredibly long and insanely loud telephone calls. (By the way, everyone knows how much you owe your credit card people and how strongly you argue for them to waive their late payment fees.)
When you have conversations with people in your cubicle, we can only hear your side of the conversation because the other party is trying so hard to speak softly, hoping in vain that you might follow suit.
The cubicle next to yours have changed owners more than 5 times and no one even bothered to ask them why they asked for a reassignment.

EVERYONE knows that you are loud.
WE know that you are loud.
YOU know that you are loud.
And YOU know that WE know that you are loud.
And WE know that YOU know that you are loud.

Yet we find you constantly bragging about your loudness.

We don't get it.

Please tell me... WHAT perverted sense of accomplishment do you get by being known as the LOUD-MOUTH of The 3rd Floor? Is there a special quarterly bonus for this achievement that we don't know about?

"Tyra Banks"

Yes, I realize that you are a fashionable and stylish woman.
Yes, I note that all your clothes are from high-end boutiques and your bags are all branded. And I appreciate your kindness in sharing the price of each item. How lovely that you bought that nice little FENDI purse for RM3K.
And yes, we ALL have heard your speech about how one should 'dress glamorously to work in order to look and feel good'.

That's all well and fine.
I don't begrudge you or resent you for your loveliness.
I appreciate your beauty (store bought as it may be) and I salute you for your exquisite style.

But please... spare us from your unsolicited and smarmy fashion advice.

T does not need to know that the pleated skirt makes her hips look wide.
D does not like being told that she should lose a couple of pounds before she can wear those jeans.
E does not want your input about how pale and washed-out she looks in her new beige jacket.

And I would have preferred to be spared from the knowledge that I only own ONE pair of shoes that you deign acceptable to be worn anywhere near your royal highness.

The Molestor

I am not married to you.
I am not a lesbian (and even if I were, I am not attracted to your type)
I am not related to you.
I am not your friend.

We just WORK together, so please... don't touch me.
And for heaven's sake, don't caress me!

I notice you only do it when you're delivering negative news or asking me for a favour.
The crappier your statements are, the more you touch me.
Stop it. It does not help. The bad news is not made better by you molesting my arm.

It's bad enough that I have to listen to shit, I don't like being fondled by it.

There are a few more office pests that I can think of, but given the fact that a lot of my colleagues know about this blog, prudence tells me that I should stop now. None of them are among these pests but knowing my workplace... word gets around.

And I'm not ready to face an angry mob of loud, humming, fashionable women who will fondle me to death.

Thanks for letting me vent.