Cannibalistic Shark-in-a-Suit

After more than a year in the renowned law firm of Messrs. Stern, Dull & Bore (obviously I'm NOT naming the firm for fear of libel suits!), I am finally leaving to seek greener pastures. Thank GOD for that...

Don't get me wrong. It's a good law firm, with a reputation that's well-earned, but well.... Let's just say that if I had to stay ONE more month there, I would've shrivelled up and died.

First of all, I was retained in the Corporate & Commercial Department. Yes, it's a good place to be (apparently the partners there make millions every year) but it was SO obviously NOT the place for me. For one thing, I've been trained in law school and via debates, to argue... To argue, dispute, disagree and rebut. But in practising corporate law, all I do is AGREE. I draft agreements, I negotiate agreements, I review agreements, I vet agreements. It's all about agreeing and succumbing to every single one of the clients demands. And to me, that's just icky.

So now I'm moving on to another good firm, and pursuing a career in litigation - where I can argue, dispute, disagree and rebut to my heart's content. Ahhhh..... bliss...

Well anyway, back to my cannibal shark story.

Messrs. Stern, Dull & Bore encouraged a competitive workplace. And like any other competition, there are those that play fair, and those that play dirty. I'd like to focus on the dirty ones. The one's that act as if an LLB is an excuse to dehumanize themselves and morph into Creatures from the Lowest Pit of Hell.

Best Example:
Ms. MoreHoney - The woman who is such a Pain in the ASS uhm... lower physical extremities.

This woman is in her late forties, half-bald and is the Reigning Queen of Brown-Nosing. Her reverence for the bosses is almost painful to watch. But what gets to me is her evilness. She is SO insecure in her position that she views everyone else as a threat. I mean, COME ON. We're lawyers in the same firm, let's not attack each other laa... Common sense, common work ethics. But NOoooo... this shark will eat her young.

In my first week of work, she came into my office and sweetly tried to persuade me to complain about the Big Boss's choice of food. Okay, the facts: Muslims don't eat pork. Big Boss is a non-Muslim. Big Boss ate pork during one of the department meetings. Ms.MoreHoney thinks it's best if I, the NEWEST addition to the firm and thus, most junior, should be the one to march into the Big Boss's room and complain about it. Yeah... right. EXCELLENT idea, Ms. MoreHoney. Perfect plan to instigate the death of the new-kids career. Did she think I was dumb or what? Yeeeshh...

Then, a couple of months later, I apply for leave. She had to take care of my files while I was away. She tells me to prepare certain documents while she takes care of the forms to send to the client while I'm gone. I do so. I leave it nicely on her desk, all ready to be given to the client. A week later, I come back. She greets me sweetly and asks about my trip, no mention of the file. A couple of days later, she sends me an e-mail stating:

"I was really busy last week and didn't have time to prepare the forms. Could you please do me a favour and prepare it for me and send to the client? Thank you so much I owe you one."

Two seconds later, she e-mails me AND cc's to the Boss THIS e-mail:

"Please prepare the forms for the Client. This was due nearly two weeks ago. Please do so immediately. I believe the Client has been patient enough."

*blink..blink*

Whoa.... Suddenly she's implying that this is MY fault? She's putting ME in a bad light and making HER look oh-so-responsible? Crap, crappity, crap crap.

If murder was not against my religion or against the law, I would have taken her to the roof, tie her up with a barbed wire, force-feed her big bowls of curdled milk peppered with fat maggots, skinned her with a blunt parang, poke her eyes out with a pair of splintered chopsticks, tweezed her nails out with a pair of plyers, get rabid rats to nibble at her toes......... ahhh... fantasies.....

So anyway, Ms.MoreHoney is exactly the kind of Caniballistic Shark-in-a-Suit I mean. The kind of person that inspires lawyer jokes. Until and unless she climbs up the ladder and is bestowed a partnership, she will continue to be a sly, conniving, brown-nosing bitch woman.

Now, although the reason I'm leaving the firm is due to my need to pursue a career I'm interested in (read:litigation), I have to admit that Ms.MoreHoney is the reason why I'm celebrating my resignation.

And may God protect the next new lawyer from Ms.MoreHoney's vicious fangs...